I have been thinking about writing this blog for weeks now, I have been so undecided whether or not I wanted to share this publicly, I really want to because I think it’s something that happens to so many families and is so common but on the other hand It’s hard to think that everybody who’s knows me or sees me will now know and I don’t want it to look like I’m doing this for attention because that’s definitely not why I’m sharing this.
As this is a blog from a mother I think I want to be strong and share my story and hopefully other mothers/families that have experienced this can relate. Motherhood should be a community where we keep each other strong rather than judge.
So ever since Ava has turned 2 I’ve always known that within the next year or so I would definitely want to try for baby number 2. I never wanted my children to be far apart in age but I definitely wanted to wait for Ava to be a little older so she understands more. I know she will be an incredible big sister, she’s the most caring and sweet girl and I know all she will want is to help and be apart of the whole process. And of course I want her to grow up with a sibling and have the strongest bond ever.
So in late January 2018 I found out I was pregnant. I was so shocked but as soon as I saw that second faint line on the test I couldn’t even describe how excited I felt, it was so surreal like oh my god I’m going to have another baby. I couldn’t wait to tell ant! And of course me being me I can’t keep anything from my best friends so I immediately made some announcement pictures to share with them, I wouldn’t of told everybody but I see it as my best friends would know of anything bad happened anyway so I couldn’t keep it from them.
A few days later I surprised them all and told them, it was such an exciting moment. I felt so happy that I had so many people around me that were so excited to watch me become a mommy of 2.
It was around a week later, I had a busy weekend with work, I woke up early on Thursday and went to the toilet as normal, and a tiny bit of blood was there. My heart dropped into my stomach. I think I was in shock so I got ready for work and carried on with my day… as the day went on the bleeding got slightly stronger. I reluctantly rang my doctors and got an appointment for the following morning. He sent me for a blood test and booked me in for a early scan on the Sunday morning. It was an exhausting few days but I just tried to stay calm and carry on my normal routine.
The Sunday morning was the worst, the bleeding has slowed down, I think every mom knows when it’s a miscarriage, you hold onto that hope in the back of your mind that some miracle is going to happen and your still pregnant but I knew I wasn’t. We got to the hospital and the nurse gave me a test to take. As we waited for the results I was preparing myself for a internal scan as I was early on (5 weeks, 4 days) she then appeared and asked me to go into a private room… I didn’t realise the news I was about to get so I went alone. She then told me the test was negative and I broke down. I knew it was going to be but the reality definitely hit me then.
I don’t know if I’m just such a strong person in myself or if it was the fact I know my body can carry and deliver a healthy baby but I cried, I got ready for work and I carried on my day. I can’t sit and home and dwell on the sadness I have to keep going.
It’s a few months later now, I feel okay in myself and as a family we are moving on and looking hopefully into the future as we definitely know we now want to expand our family. And I also know everything happens for a reason and it will happen when it is supposed to happen.
I think my conclusion of the whole experience is that I will always have a sad place in my heart for my little September baby- I will always wonder what gender they would have been, and I will always miss them even though its crazy because the baby wasn’t even a baby but it was to me, it was my baby and I think that because I have now technically already been pregnant twice so my next baby will be my third pregnancy. I find comfort in always remembering my little September baby and it has made me an even stronger person and a even better mama to my beautiful baby girl.
I am so unbelievably grateful for my baby girl she is healthy, happy and loved and I know when the time is right I will have another baby and that baby will be just as loved and my family will be complete.
I hope mamas out here can read my story, relate to it in some way and know that you are not alone and that this happens to so many woman in life, it’s such a heart breaking thing to happen but it’s something to make you stronger and more determined to create the family you want ❤️
From one mama to another 🧡