A sad loss makes a stronger mama πŸΊ

I have been thinking about writing this blog for weeks now, I have been so undecided whether or not I wanted to share this publicly, I really want to because I think it’s something that happens to so many families and is so common but on the other hand It’s hard to think that everybody who’s knows me or sees me will now know and I don’t want it to look like I’m doing this for attention because that’s definitely not why I’m sharing this.

As this is a blog from a mother I think I want to be strong and share my story and hopefully other mothers/families that have experienced this can relate. Motherhood should be a community where we keep each other strong rather than judge.

So ever since Ava has turned 2 I’ve always known that within the next year or so I would definitely want to try for baby number 2. I never wanted my children to be far apart in age but I definitely wanted to wait for Ava to be a little older so she understands more. I know she will be an incredible big sister, she’s the most caring and sweet girl and I know all she will want is to help and be apart of the whole process. And of course I want her to grow up with a sibling and have the strongest bond ever.

So in late January 2018 I found out I was pregnant. I was so shocked but as soon as I saw that second faint line on the test I couldn’t even describe how excited I felt, it was so surreal like oh my god I’m going to have another baby. I couldn’t wait to tell ant! And of course me being me I can’t keep anything from my best friends so I immediately made some announcement pictures to share with them, I wouldn’t of told everybody but I see it as my best friends would know of anything bad happened anyway so I couldn’t keep it from them.

A few days later I surprised them all and told them, it was such an exciting moment. I felt so happy that I had so many people around me that were so excited to watch me become a mommy of 2.

It was around a week later, I had a busy weekend with work, I woke up early on Thursday and went to the toilet as normal, and a tiny bit of blood was there. My heart dropped into my stomach. I think I was in shock so I got ready for work and carried on with my day… as the day went on the bleeding got slightly stronger. I reluctantly rang my doctors and got an appointment for the following morning. He sent me for a blood test and booked me in for a early scan on the Sunday morning. It was an exhausting few days but I just tried to stay calm and carry on my normal routine.

The Sunday morning was the worst, the bleeding has slowed down, I think every mom knows when it’s a miscarriage, you hold onto that hope in the back of your mind that some miracle is going to happen and your still pregnant but I knew I wasn’t. We got to the hospital and the nurse gave me a test to take. As we waited for the results I was preparing myself for a internal scan as I was early on (5 weeks, 4 days) she then appeared and asked me to go into a private room… I didn’t realise the news I was about to get so I went alone. She then told me the test was negative and I broke down. I knew it was going to be but the reality definitely hit me then.

I don’t know if I’m just such a strong person in myself or if it was the fact I know my body can carry and deliver a healthy baby but I cried, I got ready for work and I carried on my day. I can’t sit and home and dwell on the sadness I have to keep going.

It’s a few months later now, I feel okay in myself and as a family we are moving on and looking hopefully into the future as we definitely know we now want to expand our family. And I also know everything happens for a reason and it will happen when it is supposed to happen.

I think my conclusion of the whole experience is that I will always have a sad place in my heart for my little September baby- I will always wonder what gender they would have been, and I will always miss them even though its crazy because the baby wasn’t even a baby but it was to me, it was my baby and I think that because I have now technically already been pregnant twice so my next baby will be my third pregnancy. I find comfort in always remembering my little September baby and it has made me an even stronger person and a even better mama to my beautiful baby girl.

I am so unbelievably grateful for my baby girl she is healthy, happy and loved and I know when the time is right I will have another baby and that baby will be just as loved and my family will be complete.

I hope mamas out here can read my story, relate to it in some way and know that you are not alone and that this happens to so many woman in life, it’s such a heart breaking thing to happen but it’s something to make you stronger and more determined to create the family you want ❀️

From one mama to another 🧑

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Toddler Happiness 🌸

Ever since Ava has turned 2 I’ve seen such a difference in her development, I obviously would do anything to have another day with her as my tiny newborn again but I absolutely love the age she is now.

She is such a loving little girl, she always hugs and kisses me and her daddy and she likes to look after us, in the morning she comes upstairs and kisses me to wake me up, how could you wake up to anything better than that. She then tells me ‘Mama up’ and gives me my phone. She will then go around to ant and give him some clothes to try and get him up. It’s amazing to be woken up by her like that

She’s becoming extremely independent, she doesn’t let me put her shoes and socks on anymore, and she has to pick her own pyjamas at night. She’s definitely got a diva streak in her… she knows what’s she wants, god help me!

If she wants my attention and I’m doing something she will physically pull my face to look at her or stand with her hands on her hips and say ‘Mama’ very seriously it’s hilarious she’s so sassy

She’s coming along so well with her speech she can now put short sentences together and even if she can’t say a word she will try her best to tell me or show me what she is trying to say. Her little voice is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Granted all I ever waited for was for her to call me mama…. now she says it a million times a day. As much as I adore it, when I come downstairs after she is in bed I do sit for a minute in silence.

She’s also amazing at bed time. She’s always been hit and miss with bed time routines she would be brilliant at going to bed or be a nightmare, since she has been in her toddler bed she just climbs in, lies down under her blanket and says night mama and daddy then she will fall asleep on her own, it melts my heart every time. It’s also nice she doesn’t mess around anymore.

She’s an extremely helpful toddler, whatever I am doing around the house she likes to help whether it’s washing up, mopping the floors or cooking. She always drags a dining room chair to the side to help me prep food and cook it and she always puts the timer on the oven and gets excited when it rings.

I’ll forever miss her being a baby but watching her grow it’s the most amazing thing and I cannot wait to see what she learns next πŸ’œ she’s such a daddy’s girl and mommy’s girl I hope whatever age she gets to she never stops being our best friend

Hello 2018 🍾

As Christmas is now over I thought I would finish 2017 with a blog talking about my most memorable moments of the past year.πŸŽ„

Christmas has been amazing, I’ve had so much fun celebrating it with family and friends and Ava’s enjoyed it so much this year! We have all been spoiled especially Ava.

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is year my most proudest moment was of course watching my baby girl grow into this beautiful 2 year old toddler! I can't believe how much of a little girl she has become, it's fascinating how much she can grow in the space of 1 year. She's talking so much now, she's becoming so independent, she's so loving and caring for others she's just incredible, I still sometimes can't believe she's mine ❀️

<<<bst thing that has happened this year is definitely buying our first home. We now have our own proper family home for Ava to grow up in and to build our family memories in for years to come. There is still so much we want to do so I am excited for the new year so we can start concentrating on the house more.

<<<bwelcomed 3 beautiful boys this year. Ava has 3 more boys to have as best friends to grow up with and look after her. Watching 2 of my best friends become mothers has been so special!

<<<bw snow for the first time in 2017, which will be something I will never forget. The excitement on her face when I let her run into the garden at 7am to see the snow was just amazing. We got to build snowmen and play outside as a family, it was a white December and such a special one ❄️

Taking Ava pumpkin picking was amazing, definitely a tradition for us now to do that every year in October, and this year was more special as we got to take the boys as well and do it with our closest friends πŸŽƒ

I could go on forever but they are the main memorable moments for this year, and I cannot wait to see what 2018 brings for me, my family and friends ❀️

HAPPY NEW YEAR 🍾❀️

A White Christmas β„️

We have had the most amazing weekend….. it’s finally snowed in December! This never happens we have not had proper snow in so many years. It was especially special because Ava has never seen snow before.

I wish I would of filmed her first reaction when I took her to the window and first showed her the snow, she was amazed! It was incredible watching how excited she got, nothing makes December more special than having snow ⛄️

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n't think she would like it, she's very picky and doesn't like to be messy or wet like if she drops even a drop of water on herself she makes me change her she hates it! I thought once she went outside and realised how wet and cold it is she would hate it! To my surprise she absolutely loved it and helped me and friends make snowmen, we played outside for ages. It's been amazing ❄️

It’s been extra special also because Anthony actually managed to have a day off work due to them closing because of the snow. We rarely get days off together as it is let alone in December. We went on a snowy walk around our estate and we built a snowman with my dad, it was so much fun being able to do something festive together as a family and we created some amazing memories for Ava to look back at ❀️

As winter is my all time favourite season anyway and with how much I am already obsessed with Christmas this snow was such an added bonus! However I am hoping it’s melts slightly as I have lots of places to go and people to see before December ends and driving in snow with Ava gives me lots of anxiety! πŸŽ…πŸΌ

When we first bought this house I had a vision of cuddling on the sofa and watching the snow through our French doors, I can’t believe it has actually snowed it’s been amazing πŸŽ…πŸΌ I’m just even more excited for the rest of December πŸŽ„

This December is one we will remember forever- the December Ava first saw snow ❄️

HALLOWEEN πŸŽƒΒ 

We have had the best October celebrating Halloween this year, as I have mentioned in previous blogs I am obsessed with Halloween, I love decorating for it around my house and doing special Halloween inspired activities with Ava, it’s definitely more fun when you have a child! 


This October I have tried to do lots of different things with Ava, I bought her the peppa pig Halloween book to read Halloween stories (I like themed festive things if you couldn’t tell)  we have watched fun children Halloween programmes as well. We carved a bear on a pumpkin to go in her room which she loved, she kept pointing at it and going β€˜woooo’ she’s getting such a funny personality 


Me and my best friends took our children to a pumpkin patch which was ammmmmmmazing! I am obsessed with getting pictures of her doing festive activities to keep forever. And it makes me happy we have something like that to celebrate Halloween because we don’t have as much festive activities to go to like America does, I still wish I lived in America when it comes to the autumn/winter months πŸŽ„πŸŽƒπŸπŸ‚




Me and a few of my best friends also took her to wonderland in the evening which was a Halloween spooky event- it was brilliant I loved taking her out to celebrate it as she’s too young at the moment to go trick or treating- we of course ended our October by watching hocus pocus ☠️ 

I also went to the theatre this month as my brother was in a play called Oklahoma and I honestly could not of been more proud of him. He played one of the lead roles Curley McLain and he was amazing so that was another reason why I have had such a fun October 🎭


πŸ‚πŸ»πŸŽƒπŸ‘»β˜ οΈπŸπŸ‚πŸŽƒπŸŽ­


October makes me so happy anybody who knows me will know I would fill my whole house with pumpkins all year round if I could! But I am excited to get prepared to decorate for our first Christmas in our new home.  As much as I am obsessed with Halloween decor, Christmas is on another level for me. Every year I want my home to be a cosy grotto so Ava will always remember how much we celebrated Christmas time πŸŽ„πŸŽ„πŸŽ„ 

I am so happy I have Ava to do all these fun things with for the seasonal stuff like Christmas and Halloween it makes me so happy 

Happy Halloween Guys πŸŽƒπŸŽƒπŸŽƒ

Mama Bear πŸ»β˜ οΈπŸŒ²πŸŽƒπŸπŸ‚

The struggle of being a working mommy πŸ„

The struggle of trying to be the best mom I can be for my toddler but also trying to build a career for myself is extremely difficult. Today for some reason I feel like it has gotten on top of me, every minute I’m not with Ava I feel so guilty But in my head I want to build a career for myself and for her to see me succeed as well as be a mother to her, I want her to grow up watching both her parents work hard so she follows that within her life, it’s trying to find a balance I am finding difficult.


We have just moved into our new house so the past week or so has been a bit crazy, Ava’s done amazing settling into her new bedroom although she has been waking up a lot earlier so I think I’m more tired than usual, and I have just started my new role at work which is now a 9-5:3 job rather than my 7-3:30… the positive of this is I still get to wake up with her and see her before I go, however the negative is by the time I get home she’s ready to get bathed and put to bed which makes me sad but also makes me appreciate her even more. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy my job when I’m there I love being focused and feel like I’m a important member of the team, and when I’m at home I’m mommy/house wife which I also love!


I know I’m extremely lucky I get to only work part time and have the rest of my time with her but it’s just a struggle trying to do well at my job and then come home and do my best at being her mommy, I’m very aware she’s still only 2 years old she’s still so young I don’t want to feel like I’m leaving her too much, I can only hope every working mommy feels the same way I do! I’d give anything to rewind and go back to her being a baby that slept on me all day 🐻 


My focus will always be building the best future for my baby and my family, I cannot wait to add another little baby bear to our family, I know Ava will make the most amazing big sister. That’s even more why I’m pushing myself to build a career path, I want to know I can build a beautiful family and have a career to continue after. As I am still young I think I’m headed in the definite right direction. I think I need to remember there will always be days where I feel like the juggling act gets too much, then I’ll wake up the next day and go back to normal. Of course I would never for a second change any of it. I think it’s a positive thing to blog about the not so good days so I will be able to read my blog back myself and see how the good days and good memories I am building will always weigh out the bad days. 

This working mama bear will juggle whatever i need to, to make sure my children have the best upbringing with 2 parents that do whatever they need to, I can only hope they will have a strong work ethic like we do 🌿 🌲🍁🌻🌷

Life update πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§

Feels like I haven’t blogged in forever, the last few weeks have been a little crazy. The weeks fly by way too fast these days!

Nursery is going well, Ava seems to really be settling in well which makes my heart so happy. She now waves me goodbye rather than looking like she’s going to break down when I leave her. This makes me feel so much better when I leave her, as much as I don’t think I’ll ever like leaving her I know she’s enjoying herself and learning so many new things each time she goes. She’s about to go from a morning session to a full day a week because I am now doing a extra day at work, I feel really happy about this new transition I am really proud of her she is growing up so much 🐻

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iggest news for us at the moment is that we have officially just bought our first home! Very very excited about it 🏑 I cannot wait to get in and get settled and make it our home. Me and Anthony have had some struggles so far because we do have different tastes when it comes to decor, he's very modern and I'm all about the rustic touches I literally want to move to Texas and live on a ranch. I am obsessed with bears and stags so we are constantly trying to meet in the middle! It will be a working progress. We are going for a modern farmhouse look. I will do a blog on my house decor when we are officially moved and settled. My home goals mainly come from one of my heroes Chelsea DeBoer from teen mom 2! She is just incredible 🦌

So that’s life up to now, busy working hard, packing up and getting into our new house over September. I am also very happy it is now officially autumn my favourite time of year πŸ‚ Halloween will be here soon I cannot wait to fill my new home with pumpkins!! I have a weird obsession with pumpkins! I am obviously glued to Pinterest at the moment for decor ideas. I wish we celebrated ‘fall’ here and Halloween as much as Americans do. I was definitely meant to live in America πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ πŸŽƒ

As much as we are busy during the week I always try and take Ava somewhere on the weekend, mostly to do with animals I want her to be as obsessed with animals as I am and love nature as much as I do πŸπŸ‚πŸŒ»πŸŒΏπŸŒ²

Love from this Mama Bear 🐻❀️

My baby turned 2 πŸ

Last week was a very big week, my little baby turned two years old!! How did that even happen. I still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday, like I always say it’s bitter sweet watching her grow up, I will forever want to rewind and turn her back into my newborn but watching her become this beautiful little toddler is amazing 🐻 


I spent most of last week prepping for her party, Thursday I made a rainbow woodland cake and on the Friday I made woodland style cupcakes with moss and toadstools, so many glittery cookies. Thankfully everything turned out really good and tasty. 




She has so many presents, she’s one very lucky girl 🌻 she had her teepee ⛺️ which she loves, I filled it with pillows and a cosy blanket so she can sit in there and read. She’s had a tinker bell, fairy table and chair set which she loves! So many accecories for her babies, we officially have a doll nursery in our house now! And she had a dolls house that she is obsessed with. Her room looks amazing with all her new toys. She had some beautiful clothes that I can’t wait to get her in to. It was so much fun having everyone here to celebrate for her


We have just about organised the house with all her new toys, we definitely need an extra room for her to have every toy out! I cannot believe my little girl is a toddler already, time goes by in a heartbeat once you have children πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§ 






On her actual birthday on the Sunday we took her to one of our local farms, she loves being able to feed all the animals once she got comfortable and had a run around. She was very tired from the whole weekend but it was nice to watch her with the animals as that’s one thing I’m obsessed with and hope she grows up to love it just as much 🦌 







All in all it was another successful birthday for my princess 🌻 

Nursery update 🦊

It’s been a few weeks since she first started nursery, in my last post I explained how heart breaking I found the first week of dropping her off. Thankfully I can say it’s gotten easier as I’ve done it more.


She only goes one morning a week so i always knew I was going to take longer to get used to it, she’s only cried once thankfully… I don’t think I could do it if she cried every time. She’s very clingy because it’s very early when I take her so she’s still tired but she’s done so well I am so proud of her. 


I feel for weeks now I have been talking about her birthday preparations, it’s come around so quickly! It’s a week on Saturday I cannot believe it, I feel like I have everything planned I just need a few last minute bits for the baking I’ll be doing. And things like balloons which I’ll get last minute for her. I am so excited to see her face when she sees all her presents and her balloons!! She’s obsessed with balloons 🎈




I still feel guilt from leaving her at nursey, I try and shut it off in my mind because I know she’s having fun, I hope this feeling gets better as time goes on, I know it’s really good for her and will help her socialise with other children her age and hopefully makes some friends! It’s always going to be difficult watching my baby grow ❀️ 



Ava starts nursery πŸŒΏ

It’s been a big week for us this week as Ava has had her first induction to nursery, she’s only done 2 taster sessions as of yet and starts her proper morning on Thursday. Honestly it’s been harder on me than her which I didn’t expect. 


I always knew it would be sad leaving her at nursery, but I didn’t really know how hard it would actually hit me. I’m a very strong person, I very rarely cry or get emotional but this by far was the hardest thing I’ve done since having Ava. She hasn’t cried as of yet, but as she’s only done 2, 2 hour sessions I think she is still wondering what’s going on, when she realises she goes to this place and mommy or daddy leaves her I think she will get upset- which I’m terrified about because if I feel this upset when she’s not crying I don’t know how I’ll be able to leave when she’s upset the thought makes me sick to my stomach with nerves 


I am so so happy she’s going to nursery, for the minute it is just one morning a week and within the next few weeks it will be a full day. I wanted her to first be around other children her age, she does have some babies around her from my friends but they are all smaller than her so she definitely needs to socialise more with children her age and I feel it will really help with her development as well. I’m so happy she’s here and I cannot wait for us both to get comfortable with it and it become the normal thing because i know it will be amazing for her. I have enjoyed packing her little bag, we have to provide a rain coat which I obviously bought her a camo one. Ant hates it, thinks it’s too boyish so I sewed on some pink letters spelling her name to make it look more girlie! I also had to provide her with a toothbrush so I of course had to find something cute to put it in, I bought a small clear pencil case and found some woodland animals to decorate it with! Yes I am that mom that has to personalise everything for my baby 🐻🦌 


On the other hand I expect every parent feels his way when they first put their baby in nursery. It’s absolutely heart breaking leaving your baby with people she doesn’t know, I feel guilty, I feel sick to my stomach I just want to take her home as soon as we arrive there. I really pray this feeling fades as I will soon be dropping her and having to do a full days work which will be difficult with this awful anxious, sick, upset feeling I’m getting at the moment! She’s always my little baby girl I am having a really hard time adjusting.


On a happier note I think i am going to enjoy having a few hours to visit friends with their new babies, having some time to do housework without Ava running around or go shopping without having to drag a grumpy toddler around different shops and in and out of the car so I will appreciate it much more! I think it will also make me appreciate her even more as well, being without her for them few hours makes me just miss her so much it’s such a different feeling than when I’m at work and she’s with a family member. 


I guess watching your baby grow up within a split second and having to let go abit so they can grow up will only get more difficult as they get older, I’m definitely just cherishing every single moment with her! Makes me emotional when writing this one, I am genuinely shocked with how hard it’s hit me, she’s only going one day a week I am much more of a wimp than I thought!
 

I will keep updating my blog on how nursery is going, hopefully the next one will be a much happier feeling one!


Why does my baby have to grow up?